Friday, 21 July 2017

One Month Ago.

Hello Readers. There has always been a hole inside of me, where I grieve my mother. Now I have 2 holes. Ducky left me. 

A month ago I thought we were going to talk through our fight. I thought we were going to be fine. I thought everything was ok, but I was terribly wrong. He sat down next to me, told me he couldn't handle this, and asked if I'd hate him if he left. I told him how much I believe in us, how much better we are with support, and that we're partners. But that wasn't enough for him, he wants to figure himself out alone.

I understand he believes he needs to work on himself without me. I see now that he only felt first and young love for me, while my love for him was deep and the real deal. My love for him is what novels are written about and movies dazzle us with. He was it for me. But I guess I was the first notch on his bed post, while I thought he was my last.

I feel so hollow. It's the same empty cavity in my stomach where all the loss, hopelessness, and aloneness I feel over not having my mother. I've never felt that way about another person before.. someone choosing to be apart from me because they belive it's doing the right thing for us.

How do you spend your whole life searching for the love you were born with, knowing you will never find it. Few things are as painful as the loss of a mother you will never find. It is absolutely insane to suddenly stumble across real love only for them to want to be lost and never found again. My heart aches, my stomach is empty, and I am hollow tear-soaked woman who will never open her heart again. What a ridiculous mistake to think I could have something like that! I refuse to feel this away again. I refuse to love another person in this life. I promise to be cold as stone again, but this time I will not share my body. I will not share my feelings, I will not share my heart or future ever again. Just let my heart die; let my soul starve.

I know I'm being dramatic. I know I'll stumble into love again. I know now I should be with an artist. Someone more outgoing, in touch with their emotions, and who wants to dance with me. But I just need to be a heart broken woman for now, wrecked on tears, and mourn the happy ending I thought I had right in front of me. I just need to be angry, because the best person in the world who supported getting my DNA tested bailed on me before I got my results.

I literally shared everything in my world with him. He has my heart and knows every detail in my hugs.. And he left me.

Cheers.

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Identity Crisis.

Hello Readers. How do feel about your identity? Do you know who you are, does it ever evolve, and do you have support in who you are? This constant identity crisis is so exhausting.

[Disclaimer: When we first started dating I told Ducky our biggest incompatibility was I see things as a world issue and he only sees things on an indidualistc level. I can't believe that so many different groups are fighting for the same cause for different reasons all over the wold, and he can't believe something happened to one person. We disagree on how to help people vs person and on where to value validity. Neither of these perspectives are right or wrong.]

For instance, Ducky and I had a huge argument the other day. He thinks that until a person is more educated and has language to define themselves they don't need to tell their partner. I think feeling who you identify as is different from who you say you are should be told to your partner. Psychologically withholding information hurts people the same way as a blunt lie. Lying is lying. Relationships mean consenting to the relationship. Lying to your partner means taking away their consent to what they know the situation to be.

I kept telling my him that all identity crisis follow the same social steps, and he was invalidating me saying I was doing an injustice to myself and the LGBTQ+ community for the comparision. But in you don't just wake up as an adult and suddenly decide or realize you're gay. I didn't suddenly wake up and think I was Korean. Somewhere inside you know you feel different. You may not have the language for it, you may not know the labels you identify as, but even as a child you can feel it. 

I see this type of lying all the time. People conforming to heterosexualism, while knowing inside it's a chosen life style and not how they romantically or sexually feel. Korean adoptees conforming to Western-Caucasian idealsim, while knowing it's a chosen lifestyle and not who they are inside. I'm using the word "chosen" loosely here, because some of us choose to hide and others need to hide for protection. I chose to hide for many years because I was too scared to tell my adoptive parents, and I also needed to hide for social survival within my extended family and peers. Unfortunately, hiding my skin is a bit different than hiding sexuality and people chose to exploite me for how I looked too.

Even when I was 2 years old and about to turn 3, I know and felt inside that I was Korean and not American or white like my family. Those thoughts and feelings are my earliest memories during the couple of weeks of planning my 3rd birthday. I don't really remember the party, but I remember being kind of sad to see all my cousins and knowing I needed to act a certain way. I didn't have the language  and I wish instead of hiding who I felt I was, I had just told my adoptive parents. Had I just said how I felt inside.. That may have saved us from years of turmoil and myself from being abused.

It wasn't until I was 14 or so that I literally came out to my adoptive parents that I identified as Korean and not American. They were horrified. My adoptive dad even said he didn't understand why I liked ramen and it's not like my birth parents were looking for me. I came out again a year ago telling my adoptive mom that I identified as a woman of color. She was surprised, but my honesty and updating her on my identity crisis was helpful. She just asscept it without question. It was actually a really nice moment.

I see identity crisis as effecting everyone in all different groups fighting for the same cause to be themselves. Ducky views things as happening to individuals and each case being so uniquely different, meaning he doesn't believe not sharing your feelings of identity with your partner is lying. Right now, this is putting us in a difficult grey area of trust. For my lying is lying, and for him it's not black and white. Even though it wasn't his intention, I feel like he doesn't understand my identity crisis and doesn't value my understanding of it. 

At the end of the day, I still feel like I need to explain who I am all the time. And to everyone.. 

Cheers.

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Say My Name.

Hello Readers. Lee, Kang Sun is my birth name. A name that I have not been called since I was 4 months old in Korea. When will anyone call me that again? 

I've been thinking about my name a lot lately and how I said I was done defending it. But now I'm feeling this new longing for my full birth name to matter. I've never even heard my adoptive parents say it.. 

It's strange for it to be forbidden in the walls of my childhood home, but strangers on the street will ask for my Korean name or whatever I was called before adoption. How can something so secret be assumed open by the public? Don't they get that adoption is not lollipops and sun shine? 

Adoption means birth parents are grieving the loss of a child. It means adoptive parents are grieving the loss of biological love. It means a baby may never see home again.. It means a baby may have to wait till her 16th birthday to go through her adoptive parents' office to find out her real name. Me, I did that.

Why do some adoptees get to have both their names mashed up or their birth name set as their middle name? Why do other adoptees starve to never know?

I'd give anything to hear my mother call me KangSun. It would mean the world for me to hear my mom call me Kang. 

I wish I didn't need these things to feel complete. I wish I was def to this.

Cheers.

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

2 Names.

Hello Readers. What is your name? What does it mean to you? What does it mean to your family? I think these answers are more important than if your first name is Celtic and your last name is an Ellis Island nightmare of Swedish heritage. Ha, that's my American name!

This is on my mind tonight because I'm over explaining my name to people. I don't need to defend my adoption to Asians, and I don't need to explain my "exotic" looks to white people.

I was raised by my very white Minnesotan adoptive parents' to be their Caucasian-American daughter. From 4 months old I have been socially white AF. I have a white legal name, and a white background, and have white privileges. In my late teens and especially now I am trying to memorize my adoptive mom's stories and recipes. Unlike my adoptive parents though, outside of our home I was expected to be a token Asian in our angelo saxon suburb. And everywhere else for that matter.

I also have Korean DNA and probably a bunch of Asian DNA. Unlike Korean nationals, my DNA isn't allowed to do all the work in making me a "real" Korean. I literally had to learn my mother culture, pop culture, adoptee culture, cooking, and keep trying to learn my mother tongue to prove I truly am a Korean woman. I cook more dishes and do it better than most of the adoptees and Koreans I know. My Korean itself is awful. But I can order a pitcher of Cass and Nana Chicken, and I'm fine with that.

I have names for both of these worlds and I like them both. Morgan Claire Pearson. Lee, KangSun.

I really like who I am. I have learned I'm not 2 completely different people. I am one person who enjoys the privileges of western society and enjoys nesting herself in an Asian bubble. I've grown a lot to be able to accept both sides. I will continue to learn my mother tongue and I will continue to educate white people on Asian culture by being white right back at them. 

Cheers.

Monday, 29 May 2017

23AndMe

Hello Readers. I'm sure you're wondering why I'm suddenly posting again. My urge to know has really stirred up the past couple of months and I have quite exciting news too.

If you didn't know, Buzzfeed has a lot of DNA related videos. Ducky and I were watching The Try Guy's do their 23AndMe testing, and I looked up the company for the millionth time. But this time I bought it!! And so did my very supportive very white partner!!

LAST FRIDAY I SPIT IN A TUBE AND MAILED IT BACK!!

In 6-8 weeks we're going to find out how white my boyfriend is and if I'm a hapa. We're going to find out who my birthfather really was, genetically at least. I'm going to know if I have any registered relatives. I could have 6th, 7th, 8th cousins right here in Minnesota, or in the US, or home in Korea!

I am so excited and scare to finally know my genetic makeup. It'll be a shade I can't buy at Sephore

*Cheers*

Mental Health Check <3

Hello Readers. I hope your mental health is doing well and that you're treating yourself well too. Either way you should make an appointment with a local therapist or counselor today =^_^=. 

Therapy is good for you! While your friends and family want what's best for you, they each have their bias in what you think and do. They're your personal support group to talk to on the daily. Where as a professional gives you tools that work specifically for you to achieve your goals I n your own way. Go try it for 1 month. That's only 4 hours.

I didn't go to therapy for about 6 months (winter and summer 2016) because I had been handling everything pretty well. I felt in control of my mental health and consistently use all the tools in my toolbox. Everyone should check-in with a professional every 6 months, even if it feels like nothing big is going on in your life. I made the appointment and then started thinking about what I wanted to talk about.

I talked a bit about:

- I have mushy excitement and terrified feelings of my partner and I becoming exclusive and going long term. 
- I want to commit my life to someone(s) and accept it's not forever, but I don't know if I could even trust enough to commit in legal marriage/celebration (not a wedding!) for a few years.
- My financial views on children have solidified my choice in not having children, but then I still want to know what's wrong with my fertility. It's like my abusers took my right to say no, and also stole my right to not have children. 
- As an adult, how do I learn to "ride the dragon" now, when most woman have the privilege of learning to control it since they were teens.
- Being sexually harassed at work and getting fired for it.
- Dealing with working with unprofessional racists at work.

As you can see, I AM NO LONGER going through absolute depressing hell anymore!! No one hits me, no one rapes me, and I don't cry myself to sleep hoping I don't wake up. I don't need to plan for months on how to leave my abuser, or plan who to leave what to when I kill myself. But I still have big questions and my therapist will give me brand new tools to help me navigate answering them. Or like most of the time, I tell her what I want and think I need, she agrees, and gives me the tools to get there.

I worked on a bit with my therapist until my insurance ran out. I turned 26 on February 24th 2017. My new place of work does not cover mental health, so I've been looking into other forms of insurance and possibly arranging other ways of paying to stay with my therapist. 

 If you don't have insurance a lot of therapists and councilors do sessions around $30, which is slightly more than a co-pay. If you're in school, your school has a free counselor. If you're not in school, don't have insurance, and can't afford to pay out of pocket a lot of community centers has free counseling too.

So please Readers, help yourselves out. Google local therapists. Read their bios. Book who you feel a connection with, not just by what they specialize in. If you feel good after your session, see them 3 more times. If you feel bad and didn't connect with them, then book with with another local therapist. Take care of yourself.

Cheers.

I AM BACK.

Hello Readers. We haven't spoken in a couple years!! I hope you are are doing well and I'm sure you've grown in so many ways. We have a lot of catching up to do, so expect plenty of posts doing just that. I want to hear from you to! Please email me at KangSunLee1991@gmail.com, or Tweet me an update at KangSunLee1991. 

First off, my cat Pumpkin says hi. =^ㅇㅊㅇ^= I've hopped a couple jobs and learned offices are not a safe place for Asian woman. 10 out of 10 would not recommend. My chosen sister CC just bought a house last summer, renovated the lower level into an apartment, and I've been living here for just under a year.

Children's Home Society are liars and a pain in my ass. They refuse to tell me what work they did for my search, and I'll bug them in a few months when a new new new supervisor starts.

Things ended with Apple. I have decided to keep those details private. He remains one of my dearest friends and I really value him in my life.

About a year and 4 months ago a met a fella. Let's call him Ducky and gee he's a lovely human. He's actually quite sweet, liberal, passionate, and looks like a god damn Urban Outfitters model. We accept each others' pasts and support each others' goals.

Ducky and I met on OkCupid. To be honest I was feeling shitty about my looks that week and almost cancelled the date. We talked until the tea cafe closed, then we talked all night on his couch. I cook for him, he gets cake and aloe drinks for me, and we do funny bits together. When we fight or let other things make us grumpy, then we apologize and talk through it. Pumpkin and my friends think he's great and get good vibes from him.

For the first 5 months we operated without a label and kept it non-exclusive. Just before 6 months hit we discussed how we felt about each other, our relationship, and the time we spend together. We decided to be exclusive!! =^_^=  We are partners.

More catching up to come. Cheers.